I am now in my third semester. It's a short semester, and everyone has been telling me it's going to be hell.
..... Including my lecturer. How motivating. :(
"I don't expect you to be perfect, but try to suck a little less each day."
I'm trying to keep an open and positive mind but truth be told I'm FREAKING OUT. Assignments have already been introduced on the first day itself. There are about 2-3 assignments each subject and I'm taking 3 subjects. I've one mid term paper, two final exam papers and one art exhibition at the end of the semester. Which is about, six-seven weeks from now.
I'm screwed.
And by the way, say hello to the new DESIGN student *waves enthusiastically*
Yes, you heard me right. DESIGN. Me. Are you in utter disbelief? Because I know I am. The girl who failed her form 3 pendidikan seni subject, is forced to take up design because I don't have a choice of other electives to choose from. HOW WONDERFUL. Can't believe I'm also paying RM1400 for this subject. It's like, paying to fail.
So proud of my brilliant artistic skills. :')
I know being cynical about it isn't really going to help me but trying to stay positive is such a difficult thing to do right now. I've other personal issues to deal with at the moment just as well. The stress is coming from a lot of different angles in my life, so simultaneously. These next few months are definitely going to be physically, mentally and emotionally challenging. I just pray to God that I'll be granted the strength to go through it all. Amiiiiiiiin.
HAVE FAITH DEBO!!!
Well. If I'll be missing from this space for a very, very long time, you'll know why.....
I know this doesn't sound like a mother's day song/a song for mothers but it is currently my mum's favourite song. Hahaha. So I figured it's only appropriate that I use this song for this entry, eh?
I'll still be here tomorrow
You'll wake up in my arms
Nothing's gonna change, I'll love you the same
I'll still be here tomorrow
Yeap, it is appropriate. A mother's love will never change. And she will always be here for me when the world bails on me.
Sadly, tomorrow isn't always promised...
I'd write a whole entry about why my mother is the greatest but I don't know where to begin, and the entry will be endless. All I hope is that one day I could be half the woman that she is, but even that seems impossible. Looking back at how patient she was in raising me, dealing with all my nonsense and still loving me despite all that I put her through, I can't help but to feel incredibly blessed... And scared. If I were to have a daughter who turns out to be exactly like me, I would throw her out in the sea before she reaches the age of seven. Okay I joke.... Or maybe not.
........
Point is. My mum is definitely THE MOST patient, loving, protective, supportive woman I have ever known. Not to mention the strongest. I don't know how she does it, but she always stays strong just for me. She kept herself composed and calm even on the day that my dad passed away, just so I know that I can rely on her and that all was not lost. I feel pretty embarrassed looking back now. I was crying my eyeballs out losing the man I've loved for 18 years and she held her tears back losing the man she has loved for 38 years, only for me. A girl she has raised for only 18 years, and I know for a fact I made her life a living hell while I was at it.
I know I have the best mother I could ever ask for. Sadly I'm not exactly the daughter that she deserves. She deserves a lot better. It's amazing how she could still love me unconditionally despite me always being the irritating, difficult, spoilt, insensitive, moody daughter that I am (and always have been). But I always try to be better. I have to be better. It's the least that I can do. Everything that I am today, everything that I'll be, everything that I've achieved and hopefully will continue to achieve, I could not have done without her endless faith in me.
Knowing that she won't be apart of my life forever, and that someday we'd have to part ways and say our goodbyes, really kills me inside. But to be blessed to have her as a mother at all, I'll always be eternally grateful to Allah SWT.
Happy Mother's Day.
Make sure to always love our mothers and remember every sacrifice that they've made for us - every drop of blood, sweat and tears that we could never repay them for, no matter how hard we try.
Wait for summer, wait for summer Wait until you're really sure Wait until your heart is certain Wait like it will make a whole lot of difference And what happens then, if it doesn't?
Wait for summer, wait for summer Please just stop asking questions Stop doubting yourself and jumping to conclusions Wait before you make your decision, wait so you won't regret your actions.
Wait for summer, it will get better Wait for summer, my passionate daydreamer.
If there's one thing I've learned from my previous experiences of dealing with conflicts, is that you should always, ALWAYS face them. Running away from them doesn't help.
It never does and it never will.
Maybe by running you believe that they will magically disappear. And that's exactly where you're wrong.
Running only leaves a scar in your heart. The damage will always be there no matter how you try to conceal it. And just when you least expect it, the pain will resurface again from your subconscious mind, the place where you have been hiding it all along. It never really goes away.
But everything else will. Time will tick, feelings will change, good memories will fade and soon you'll find that you're slowly losing grasp on the only piece of hope that keeps you holding on all this while.
..... And what happens, then? I wonder.
How long more do I need to carry this with me? Feels like I'm on the edge of giving up. Such a surreal feeling, I never would have thought I'd come to this.
Circles, we’re going in circles
Dizzy’s all it makes us
We know where it takes us
We've been before
Closer, maybe looking closer
There's more to discover
Find out what went wrong without blaming each other
Think that we got more time
When we’re falling behind
Gotta make up our minds
Or else we'll play, play, play all the same old games
And we wait, wait, wait for the end to change
And we take, take, take it for granted that we’ll be the same
But we're making all the same mistakes
Wake up, we both need to wake up
Maybe if we face up to this
We can make it through this
Closer, maybe we'll be closer
Stronger than we were before, yeah
Make this something more, yeah
Think that we got more time
When we’re falling behind
Gotta make up our minds
Or else we'll play, play, play all the same old games
And we wait, wait, wait for the end to change
And we take, take, take it for granted that we’ll be the same
But we're making all the same mistakes
Yeah, yeah, that's what crazy is
When it's broken, you say there's nothing to fix
And you pray, pray, pray that everything will be okay
While you're making all the same mistakes
Don't look back
But if we don't look back
We’re only learning then
How to make all the same, same mistakes again
So we play, play, play all the same old games
And we wait, wait, wait for the end to change
And we take, take, take it for granted that we’ll be the same
Hi. I'm two days away from my finals and I should be studying. Instead I'm here. Blogging. Typing away unimportant details of my life that nobody really cares about. Oh well. It's just a Mass Comm paper. I don't take this subject seriously. I CAN'T, to be honest. After studying it as an elective for a semester long, I realized I have absolutely 0 passion for media studies. No interest whatsoever in the communication field and all that is has to offer. Not because of the lecturer or the students or the department (or maybe it is, a little bit.. Maybe) but the subject itself, for some reason I just couldn't find a reason to like it or see the purpose of studying it. Maybe I'm still bitter that I couldn't take Early Childhood Education (which I initially wanted as an elective) because the class was full by the time I registered. Maybe I've been so stressed out along with my groupmates in trying to finish our major mass comm assignment which was a video/documentary (along with other piled up Psychology assignments at the time). Thank God it's all over and done with.
Then I remembered that I once considered Mass Comm for my degree course... WTF WAS I THINKING??!
I'm not sure about most things in life (and I do realize how sad that sounds), but for some reason, I am very certain that I chose the right path by taking the psycho path..... K I saw that on a senior's t-shirt. And I want that t-shirt x(
ANYWAY.
These past few days have been pretty challenging for me but mostly because of my overactive brain. I sometimes wonder what life would be like had I been in someone else's shoes. Had I been born a different person, raised a different way, taught to think in a whole other perspective. There's nothing missing in my life, I suppose it's only human nature to want something different than what we're given. Okay I lied, there is something missing in my life. A cat. Maybe two. Or three...
Y u no adopt me?!
But you get my point. I'm not unhappy, it's just that sometimes I feel like I have a lot on my shoulders for someone my age. Not burden, just huge responsibilities. I'm not complaining either, because these responsibilities help me grow as a person. And in some way, make me realize that I'm far more capable to take on the challenge than I give myself credit for. I suppose it's only normal that these things cross your mind once in a while. Things do get hard and sometimes I do wonder if I'm able to pull through without needing someone else to fall back on, but in the end, I realize that I'm stronger than I think. And that's what I'll always need to be; strong, for everyone else, yes, but especially for me. Seems like a selfish thought, but there is no way I can help anyone else by being weak and vulnerable. I can't be there for anyone else if I'm just going to let myself fall apart into tiny little pieces. True, things were different back then. Back when I always had someone to fall back on, someone to catch me and put the pieces back together. Now everything has changed and everything's up to me. There is no point in looking back and wishing things were different. There is no point in looking ahead and being scared either....
No point in being scared. But the truth is...
(the wonders of Google)
I AM SCARED SHITLESS.
But I can't show it. Some people may think that hiding your worries and fears is a form of weakness, but I don't. Showing it is more of a weakness. It takes a lot more strength to swallow your fears and act like everything's normal, like everything's fine even though you're falling apart inside.
This is probably not what most psychologists would agree with, but whatever :P
To each his own kan kan kan. Yep.
ON A HAPPIER NOTE TO LIFT UP THE MOOD OF THIS REALLY DEPRESSING BLOG, my days have been filled with...
My favourite ice cream :D Well I have been trying to eat healthy too but this is really hard to resist. I can almost taste the heavenly chocolate coating as I type this, just by looking at that picture. Nyum nyum. Oh yeah remember one of my new year's resolution where I wanted to lose some weight before June? Not exactly working out because I haven't really been working out (and been nomming on this instead, smooth Deb). And well it's April now. Whatever la, dah pasrah x(
Music! Despite being a huge fan of Panic! At The Disco when I was 15-16, I stopped listening to them for quite some time after Pretty. Odd 'cause it took them forever to come up with a new album. I heard Ballad of Mona Lisa last year but didn't actually have the time to check out the whole album.... Which turned out to be a huge mistake. THIS IS THEIR BEST ALBUM YET! Their songs sound entirely different from the first two albums but perhaps it's also due to the departure of Ryan Ross and Jon Walker. Ahhh brings back memories of my teenage years when I was crazy over Ryan. Saved cute pictures of him, made him my computer wallpaper, paid attention to him and only him during their concert here in 2006 (even though I was there with my boyfriend. HEH HEH... Don't kill me Azzim).
I love all the songs in this album but these are my favourites;
Always
Ready To Go
It seriously doesn't help that Brendon Urie has transformed into a mighty attractive young man either.....
Damn son. o_o
I really miss their concert here, loved how they put on a good show despite the low turnout. Felt like a special and personal gig. And I also remembered the next day in school, when Azzim, Sha, Raihan & I couldn't stop singing their songs out loud in class which resulted in a really heavy downpour later on that day hahaha. Sigh good times. If only they had a world tour for this album too :(
And last but not least,
This is what I've been dwelling in for the last couple of days, getting myself lost in the world of Cecelia Ahern's latest book. It's almost impossible to describe how much I LOVE♥ her books. Her stories are like an alternate reality that I always find myself escaping to. It's also ridiculous how emotionally attached I get to the characters, that it always makes me feel inexplicably sad when I finish reading it, because I would have to say goodbye to the characters that I feel like I've somewhat grown close to. And, would also need to come back to my boring reality. Which sucks more, really. But I guess that's why I treasure these books written by her. I could read them over and over again and still feel like it's the first time. Still cry and laugh at the same parts. Still amazed at how incredible her ideas are. Still miserable that I'll never be as imaginative or half as good as a writer that she is x(
Sob sob..
*wallows in self-pity*
This book, like most of her other books, has a touch of fairytale to it (read: something that will never happen in real life). Always a pleasure to read for escapists like me. It's about a girl whose life is a mess but instead of choosing to clear up the mess that she's in, she chooses to make it worse by lying about it and denying the fact that she is in fact, unhappy. This goes on until her "Life" appears before her eyes (in this case, in the form of a person) and makes her realize all the mistakes she has been making by ignoring her own life and pretending to be happy.
Sounds... Ridiculous, doesn't it? Amazing how this seemingly ridiculous idea could bloom into a wonderfully written story. One that only Cecelia Ahern could come up with.
Of all her books, I'd say that this book has made me laughed the most. Giggled, to be exact. To the point that my mum thought I was a freak. I (unbelievably) didn't shed a tear at all but there were definitely parts where I felt like I was kicked in the guts because I had imagined the similar events happening to me. That's how effective her writing is. Well, at least to me. I wouldn't say this is my favourite book from her though. My favourite would be.... Okay I can't choose one. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE these three books:
If you love to read and you haven't read these, YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON LIFE. Okay I joke. But really. Go get 'em.
----
AND ON A TOTALLY UNRELATED NOTE.....
Please be prepared for a shameless act of narcissism.
